If You Climb, You Might Fall

Last week I took a practice test to see how my preparations were coming and I was not pleased.  The final score was....wait for it....a 23.  That is one point higher than the first time I took it and six points lower than last year's test.  You can imagine, that with the MCAT only 1 and a half months away that caused me to panic greatly.

There are several ways I can interpret this outcome.  I can interpret it to say that I have taken a huge step back in my accumulated knowledge and have forgotten almost everything.  However, I don't think this is the correct interpretation.  I am positive I know much more than I did last year, so I have to examine the source of the test and where my deficiencies lie.

In my current preparations I have finished reviewing all but two chapters of the Berkeley Review test prep materials.  It is a very dense and difficult review, but I think it is more than adequate to help prepare for the MCAT.  The test I took, to show my progress, was a free diagnostic test from Kaplan.  I did remarkably poor in the Physics section, and ironically it had a lot of questions from the two chapters I had not finished reviewing.  What are the chances that the majority of questions would come from 2 of the 10 chapters that physics covers?  I thought that was a little skewed, but I also have to think that on test day, if the same thing happens I would still be screwed so maybe it is a moot point.

Being a free diagnostic test I did some research on it through Google and found several accounts where someone scored remarkably poor yet did very well on the actual test.  I began to suspect that the difficultly level on this diagnostic is much higher than the actual test in order to funnel more people into the Kaplan program.

With that being said, I still came out with some positives.  I plan to take a different diagnostic next week to see if my suspicion is correct.  Out of all the problems, there wasn't anything I didn't "know" per-se, but there were several problems that I knew how to do, yet couldn't remember the formula to do what I needed to do.  That is definitely something I can remedy, and it is certainly something that is not allowable on test day.

Because I am a theoretical thinker, I have never put much stock in memorizing huge amounts of information.  Since we have such a huge resource of data recall at our very fingertips that sort of exercise is unnecessary if you know how to find and apply theory to the necessary information.  In physics I would usually memorize one or two key equations which would allow me to derive any subsequent equations on test day.  It saves study time, and if you can derive the equations I believe you truly understand the fundamental concepts more intimately than someone who merely memorized formulae and variables by rote.

The theoretical approach is no good when approaching a test like the MCAT.  Yes, the test is designed to reveal how well you can think critically, how well you can apply information instead of regurgitate it, but when it comes to the calculation portions that is not true, because you do not have enough time to derive and then apply the solution.  Part of my past failures can be attributed to my desire to calculate the exact solution to "make sure" I was 100% correct, rather than estimating, answering, and moving on in a timely fashion.  The difference in time between both approaches is probably on the order of 1 - 2 minutes per question...which can add up quickly.

With this in mind, I have decided to use the brute force method.  I am simply going to slam as many physics formulas and chemistry reactions into my head as possible so that I will have a quick recall system ready on test day.  It is not my preferred method, but I have to admit that when pressed for time it will be an invaluable tool.  If I can immediately recall every physics equation, and quickly indicate what type of reaction is taking place I think my physical sciences score is going to shoot through the roof.

Another thing that accounts for my low score is that this is my first timed passage of my review.  I have been taking everything slow and measured up until this point to make sure I truly understand the concepts I am reviewing.  Now I am transitioning into the timed portion, and it is obvious that I am simply out of practice with regards to pacing and quickly moving through passages.  I did not run out of time during the practice test, but there were four or five calculation question I knew how to calculate, but "marked" for later because I felt pressed for time.  I know that practice will alleviate the panic I felt on those questions.

Next week I am going to post my score for the follow up practice test.  If it still sits around a 23, I may have to consider postponing my MCAT date.  Until then, stay tuned.

The Difference Between a Dream and a Fantasy

Is This a Dream or Fantasy? Image by Karezoid Michal Karcz

 As I was speaking to my wife yesterday something very profound flew out of my mouth.  At the time I did not give it much thought, but as I mulled it over later I grew to appreciate how significant it was.  I think my subconscious was using my effort to comfort my wife to teach me something instead.

"The difference between a dream and a fantasy is that a dream is realizable."

The reason that statement is so profound to me, is that before I vocalized it, I had never made a distinction between dreams and fantasies.  I have a very active imagination and one of my favorite activities is to give it free reign to express itself.  I end up thinking along many different paths, oftentimes fanciful and impractical.  I suspect that allowing this type of thought is the root of creativity, so I have never wanted to inhibit this tendency.  This means that I have always been a "dreamer".

"Dreamers" get a bad rap sometimes.  They are often accused of chasing after something impossible to achieve, something impractical, or "silly".  I think that there is a certain level of hypocrisy injected into judgements like this, because children in the USA are often told,

"When you grow up you can be ANYTHING you want."

When the child reaches a certain age, and starts to manifest their interest in certain areas the litany changes.  Soon they are told they should go to college and study something "practical", or they are told that their chances of success in a certain field are too small because of the high amount of competition.  I think that such a drastic change in message has a crippling effect on someone who dreams.  Forced to settle for something less than their dream, they begin to fantasize.

I bought into those lies when I began my undergraduate studies.  I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, and worse I had no idea what I was interested in studying so I took the practical approach.  I thought about the professions that payed well and were in high demand and decided on Computer Science.  That is a pretty safe call, right?

Fast forward to two years after I graduated and I was absolutely miserable.  The realization that a CS degree was essentially meaningless in my chosen profession was a huge blow to me.  Technology firms stand by the litany of "Experience over all", meaning if you have enough "experience" on your resume then you must be qualified.  I have noticed that this is extremely misleading, because many people have a tendency to lie on their resume.  I cannot count the number of "hotshot" resumes I have read, only to be met with incompetence when I performed the interview, or worse yet when I was overruled and was forced to work along someone who is merely an amateur at best.  I could never understand why there is such a professional disconnect in the IT industry.  Unqualified lawyers are not allowed to practice law, nor are unqualified physicians allowed to practice medicine, yet in IT as long as you put down you have "experience" you are good to go.

My discontent with my chosen field led me to fantasize.  I wanted to hop on a bike and ride across the United States, vicariously living from day to day (Crazy Guy on a Bike).  I wanted to buy some land and go live off grid, experiencing the freedom that only nature can give you (Wilderness Survival).  I began finding solace in long training runs, with the idea of possibly running a marathon (Daily Mile).  Inevitably the theme was always the same.  I wanted to escape, and I was seeking a way out through ethereal unrealizable fantasies.  The fact that they were unreachable only intensified my discontent, and I am pretty sure it ended up drastically affecting my attitude and performance at work.

I don't know if I can put my finger on it exactly, but a combination of things worked together to galvanize me into finally pursuing a dream.  My wife and her father are physicians so I had been learning more and more about the profession through my interactions with them.  I soon realized that working as a physician would give my life the purposeful meaning that it was missing, the professionally competent peers I was seeking, and an outlet for my fantasizing mind.  On that day, and I do remember the exact day, in 2007 a dream was born.

I knew that it would take work, persistence, and time, however, I also knew that it was something I could reach if I were willing to work hard enough, and long enough.  From 2007 - 2013, I have slowly chipped away at the pre-requisites I needed one night course at a time.  Now I sit here, nearly at the end of the road and look back at what I have done in disbelief.  I could have never come so far with a fantasy, but a dream...well that is something worth living for.

Real Life is My Favorite RGP

After my Bio-Chem class today, it sort of hit me.  I really enjoy this daily struggle to try and improve myself.  During my class we were going over the kinetics of enzyme catalyzed reactions and I was really digging what the professor was teaching.  Later, as I was driving to work, I realized that only three years ago I wouldn't have been able to even follow the lecture.  That was cool, really cool.

Every day my goal is to be better than the day before, and usually I feel disappointed that I did not meet that goal.  When you are stuck in the moment it is easy to lose sight of the progress you are making.  It isn't until you look back over a roadmap of months or years when you finally see that all that sacrifice and effort has really paid off.

Each day we have the opportunity to confront our weaknesses and try to overcome them, which will hopefully lead to a better life.  Maybe it is ironic that I consider my weaknesses to be apathy, laziness, and procrastination.  My only saving grace is that when I have a goal I really try to run after it, however I feel like those three weaknesses really derail me from reaching my goals as quickly as I'd like.  I also have extremely outlandish goals, so if you are on the outside looking in you would think I am an extremely hard worker.  I have never really seen it like that.  If I compare what I have done to other people, then I would probably look pretty good in that aspect, but personally I still feel like I don't try hard enough.  I tend to relax earlier than necessary, and I probably take too many walk breaks during my long study sessions.

I know that point of view seems obsessive, but it works for me.  I am positive that I would not have made it this far if I didn't think like this.  There was a time when I couldn't sit for more than ten minutes to study.  It was a constant point of frustration for me, because I really wanted to dominate the material.  My mind would flip between thoughts so quickly that I would find myself reading a textbook, but in actuality daydreaming about something entirely different.  Through daily effort, I have been able to extend this study time to roughly 1 hour blocks.  A huge improvement, but still nowhere near what I need it to be.

I have also noticed that this inattentiveness has also extended itself into my personal hobby, which I could describe as "collecting hobbies".  I bet you are wondering what that means.  It is a phenomenon that runs like clockwork.  I will discover something I find interesting and I will do nothing but that one thing until I have figured it out.  I am always amazed by people who gravitate towards one singular hobby and do it for years without getting bored.  For some reason once I have it figured out and have been able adequately reproduce whatever that hobby calls for, I am bored and no longer care for it anymore.  This has led me to try knitting, cross stitching, home brewing, gardening, woodworking, luthiery, playing various instruments,  engraving, calligraphy, creative writing, sports, etc. etc.  The list is massive and never-ending.  I still wonder why I am like this.

Another thing I tend to do is constantly examine other people and wonder how they lives their lives the way they do.  I have noticed that the vast majority of people reach a certain age and suddenly decide that their life is "good enough".  From my observations this generally occurs immediately after High School, upon graduation from college, or after marriage.  Lets say the average age is around 25 years old.  The average life expectancy for people in the United States is currently 78 years, so that leaves 53 years of a static repetitive non-progressive life.  Think about that for just a second.  Doesn't that scare you?  It blows my MIND when I think about it.  What could I accomplish in 53 years if I kept improving every single day?

This apathetic behavior also manifests when people have children.  It seems almost counter intuitive to me, that parents give up on improving themselves as soon as they have children so that they can "raise" their children.   It is so hypocritical to me when a parent admonishes their child to get an education and be successful, to set goals and improve themselves, yet they aren't willing to do it in their own lives.  Living for prime time TV and weekend sports is not my definition of success or happiness.  It is merely another form of drug addiction, where you get an endorphin rush by trying to associate with the success of someone who is actually making it happen.

Entertainment has become the center of our culture and most people are too stupid to even realized how chained they really are.  I watched my grandmother spend 30 years glued to a television and when she died she didn't even know who I was.  Her brain was turned to mush because she never used it, and her body crumbled alongside.  She was hypnotized by the fantasies unfolding before her and could never escape the temptation so that she could be fulfilled in her own life.  This mass hypnosis has manifest itself in our society with the various health issues we are currently having.  The overwhelming numbers of diabetics, and obese people (not to mention many other health issues) all stems from one singular problem, and that is a problem with lifestyle.  Overeating, couch surfing, and inactivity for years leads to this end result. However, when people reach this state, they want to operate under the misinformed idea that they can take a "magic pill" and continue to abuse their bodies.  I call this a slow measured suicide.

I have just realized how long this mind dump has gotten.  This will probably be TLDR; for most people, but it's my blog so nyah!  Maybe I'll follow up with a part 2, if anyone can stomach it.

A Different Approach

Now that I am in the midst of studying for the MCAT again, I have decided to reevaluate my approach and make some modifications.  Last year when I studied for this test I focused on assimilating as much information, and running through as many questions as possible.  This seemed to be an okay approach, but I still did not do as well as I wanted to.  This year I have decided to switch my approach.  Instead of trying to slam through tons of information as quickly as possible, I will do my review carefully with one thing in mind.  As I do the example questions, and practice tests I will extensively study why I have missed each problem and then categorize them into two different categories.

The first category will be for "silly" mistakes.  That label is sort of a misnomer, since any mistake technically isn't silly.  I expect to see a pattern emerge for the type of questions I miss in this category.  Most likely it will be due to a particular approach, missed conversion or not carefully reading what the question is asking. The second category will be for deficient knowledge.  These questions I will have to take, and review the particular subject matter that I am deficient on so that my knowledge base is complete going into test day.

The reason I decided to do this is because I feel like I subconsciously avoided subjects I didn't like or understand, and I rushed through many questions I missed with the simple explanation of "Oh that was dumb, I should have seen that stupid mistake.  I'll get it right next time lol."  In hindsight this is not a very good approach to studying for the MCAT, which is a test that purposely gives trick questions to test your knowledge.

I have already started this approach with my Chemistry review and after getting through 2/3 of the first chapter I am getting problems right, that used to challenge me.  This is all because I took the time to really look into why I missed the problem, and then carefully document it.  The going is slow right now, but I have a suspicion that these common "tricks" are going to keep popping up again and again.  Actually I know they will, since this will be the third time I will sit for the exam ><

I no longer believe that I am missing any of the fundamental knowledge necessary to take this exam.  Now I just need to refine my test-taking skills so that when I go into the test in May, I am ready to take the MCAT as they present it.

Medical School

This year I worked hard to make it into Medical School, but alas it did not happen.  I scored one point below my average this time on the MCAT for a 29.  I was pretty happy with that, but I think it was a naive score to "settle" for.  Over the last year I have taken more courses, and I feel like I know so much more than before.

I decided to pick up this blog again more to document my struggle to get into medical school than anything.  I have been working towards this for almost five years now, and have been extremely serious for the last two and a half years.  I wish I was more serious from the outset, but that is water under the bridge now.

It is now mid-January and I need to start studying to take the MCAT a third time.  Most people have told me that 29 is good enough and that I shouldn't "risk" taking it again.  Honestly I am not satisfied with that number and I believe I can do much, much better.  Last year I had a pretty good study schedule, but I think I will be even more aggressive this time around.  It is going to require a sacrifice of nights and weekends, but I am okay with this.

The bitterness of getting rejected this year somehow galvanized my spirit into wanting to try even harder.  I want to prove to myself that I am able.  I want to prove to everyone who thinks I am full of crap, that I am not just "talk".   I have made solid steps, but I feel like it isn't enough.  The last 2.5 years I have maintained a 4.0 GPA, but somehow I feel like it is "too little too late".  Or course that is the self doubt seeping in. 

Last year I recorded a 7 point improvement from my first MCAT.  That is a huge difference when you think about it.  I know people who have taken the test several times and each time only had a variance of one or two points.  With the hard work I have put in over the last year, I feel confident that I can push it up another seven points.  That would put me at a 36, which is a score that a lot of the top tier schools would be impressed with.  I know my GPA would keep me out of those schools, but my goal isn't ivy league.  My goal is to be in Medical School, and I think that is very attainable with what I have already done.

When I called the admissions board after my rejection I also found out that I needed to Shadow more physicians.  Somehow I thought that being a medical interpreter in a clinic was just as good as shadowing, but I was wrong.  I am probably most bitter about this "weakness" than anything else in my application.  I still find it hard to believe that interpreting between doctors and patients in a clinical environment isn't as good as or even better than simple shadowing.  Deep down, I feel like I got shafted on this aspect and I will probably go to my grave believing that this assessment was extremely obtuse and short sighted.

With that being said, I also have to be practical about the whole thing, so guess what I will be focusing on this year?  You got it!  I will be shadowing as many physicians as possible.  In my next post I want to post a tentative study schedule that I will follow, that will allow me to maximize my time usage and help me attain the highest grade possible.

Folks!  For the next 5 months I am going to be LIVING the MCAT.

Making Progress

The MCAT looms close, and as it gets closer I get more worried.  Lately I have been averaging a 30 on the practice exams.  This is a very solid score, but it is still not at my goal score of 35+.  Strangely the difference between a 30 and a 35 isn't that much.  Missing just 2 or 3 difficult questions is all it takes.  My biggest concern is coming in under the average on actual test day.  This happened to me last year, and in a big way.  I came in 4 points below the average that I was marking on the practice exams.  Even though last year I wasn't ready, and I took the test more to see how it would turn out, it is still a major concern.

As for my physical training I have stopped completely to focus on my studies.  This has been a trying decision, but I know it is the correct one.  Although I am very interested in maintaining my overall health, I believe that this short time sacrifice is necessary in order to secure a very real long term benefit.  Medical School represents and entire shift in my life.  I will be throwing everything I have been doing for the last ten years away, and starting a completely new adventure.  I am not interested in broken, failed, or half-fulfilled dreams so it makes sense to me to go all out while I still can.

My No-Dig bed with Tobacco plants

I am very interested in horticulture.  In my very limited free time I managed to put together a no-dig garden bend and plant some tobacco plants.  This may seem counter-intuitive to many of you, especially after having read my fitness and life goals, but hear me out.  For some reason I have a love affair with exotic and strange plants.  Tobacco falls into that category, especially since it just isn't grown out in my part of the country.  I decided to see if I could actually do it, and if I am successful I have several friends that just might appreciate a home-grown cigar.

I decided to make a small investment in a company called Synacor Inc. on the recommendation of a friend.  He forwarded me to the website of a company called National Inflation Association who have provided analysis on this company.  After reading their analysis I decided to take some of my "throw away" money and give it a try.  What is "throw away" money you ask?  This is a certain amount of money that I am willing to risk and if I never see it again I won't be upset.  Since I am no investment guru, and i have heard the horror stories of people dumping their life saving on a "tip from a friend" I decided on a cautious approach.  I initially invested at $12.50 and in two days the price of the stock has already gone up to $13.42.  What does this tell me?  Nothing really, because I intend to see how the stock behaves over several months.  The natural human impulse, when seeing such a magnificent increase is to drop more money in, but my rule for investing is "be not emotional", so I will stick with my "throw away" investment.  I'll provide an update on this in the near future.  At that point I may look like a total fool or a remarkable genius :)

Finally I have been stricken by an odd interest in luthiery.  What is that you may ask?  It is the construction of stringed instruments.  I have loved and played classical guitar since I was about 15 years old, but I have never owned a proper classical guitar.  I don't want to drop the serious money required for a quality instrument so I have toyed around with the idea of building one for several years.  The first time I approached it was probably 10 years ago while I was in college.  At that point in time I could not find the resources to instruct myself so I abandoned the idea.  Now the interwebs has come through in a big way and I see that this is a very doable hobby.  Immediately after the MCAT I will be diving into this and seeing what I can come up with.  I will post pictures, rants and advice accordingly.  Having spent the last year pouring MCAT related information into my brain, a monotonous non-thought provoking hobby sounds like a dream right now.

As always thanks for reading

Getting Back to It

So I have neglected my posting on this blog, but happily I haven't necessarily neglected my training. With this post I want to give a progress report, and then extend the scope of this blog. Since it won't only be about fitness, but about becoming a better person in general.

Let's start with the progress report. From that initial post back in 2010 until January of 2011, I trained hard and consistently. I did change my approach, somewhat, to avoid injuries but I saw noticeable improvement as well as a dramatic weight loss. After January, I stopped training for the rest of the year. It was against my wishes, but there were personal issues involved so I did it in the best interest of my family and our peace of mind.

I proceeded to pack on an amazing 35 pounds which was even more than I weighed before I started training the first time. After gradually hating myself more and more I decided to start up the training once again. Since December of 2011 I decided to have a regiment of running and Chen Taijiquan. The running is for my cardio and the Taijiquan is for leg strength. I will probably return to full Tri training when I have the time, but I am currently reduced to training 1.5 hours a day 3 - 4 times a week maximum. I don't always reach that goal :(

The second part of this post is to outline new goals I have set for myself and to set up a forum where I can maintain public accountability. One of the reasons my training did not go as smoothly as I wanted to is because I had made the decision to try and start Medical School...at 32 years old.

You see what I did there? I like to make huge goals for myself. I have to go big or not at all. How can I get motivated if the challenge isn't worthy enough? Anybody can buy a book and get a computer certification, but medical school. Now there is a beastly challenge that I can test myself against!

Don't get me wrong, this decision wasn't made on the spur of the moment. I might as well give you the whole story, since you asked. My undergrad degree is in EECS, which stands for "Electrical Engineering and Computer Science". I put the emphasis in CS and thought that all my worries were over when I graduated in 2003. Monetarily my worries have been over. The job pays well and has endless avenues for improvement and exploration. Unfortunately I made a grave miscalculation. I didn't realize how boring and meaningless the work in this field would be.

I look like this when I am depressed

After years of coming home unfulfilled I decided I couldn't take it anymore. I was faced with a decision. I could either let myself go insane, dragged down by the monotony of the work and the severe depression as a result of the tremendous waste my life was going to, or I could do something radical! The crux of the matter was that I could not see how my life was making a difference by pounding out code every day for some faceless corporation. That feeling was exacerbated when I realized that ALL the work I had done would be re-done in a matter of 2 years or less. So even the footprint of my body of work would disappear and no record of what I had done would even endure as a testament to my "brilliance", collaboration, or contribution.

These realizations made me start searching. At first I thought I could find peace in starting my own company so that I stood at the top of the ladder and would be able to have an impact on how the business ran and grew. It didn't take me long to realize I am not a business man. I don't think like one, I am not motivated by monetary gain enough to really push for things. I only care about a sexy idea, and once I have developed it I lose interest and want to move on to something else. This is not a good way to grow a business. I was stuck at this point, but after I started volunteering at a free medical clinic as an interpreter the light bulb suddenly flashed on. I could be a doctor! I love to help people, and making their lives better has a much greater impact than writing some faceless computer program.

Chalk it down friends! My decision was made and Medical School has become my goal. That decision was made roughly 5 years ago. This year, it is finally coming down to the wire. I have finished all of the prerequisites (by taking one night class a semester) and the MCAT is looming in July. The MCAT is my first true hurdle to getting accepted. This test is like the Triathlon of the academic world. You must take everything you have learned about Biology, Organic Chemistry, General Chemistry, and Physics and apply it one 4 hour test.

Join me as I continue to post my journey to improve both my mind and body. I will keep you updated on my fitness, and my struggles to accrue the necessary knowledge for a future career as a Physician.