Over Joy

As I sat in the Library reviewing my Physics notes, I heard that distinctive note from my phone informing me that a new email had arrived to my inbox.  I quickly flipped over to take a look and felt my blood run cold when I saw who it was from.

MedAdmissions

The dreaded moment had finally arrived.  I was about to find out if my dream would finally come true, or if I would be forced to spend yet another year of my life trying to prove that I am worthy of the medical vocation.

I called my wife over to share the moment with me.  Initially she looked at me with a confused look.  Why was I interrupting her study?  Finally she acceded to my wishes and walked over.  I pointed to the screen, and then clicked to open the email.

On behalf of the Executive Dean, I am very pleased to offer you an acceptance...

I literally felt my body start to shake.  I was in disbelief, so I started to read the email again to make sure.

On behalf of the Executive Dean, I am very pleased to offer you an acceptance...

The words had not changed, yet my mind still could not comprehend.  My body continued to shake uncontrollably, and my wife embraced me from behind.  She was already crying, which caused me to cry too.  These were tears of joy, tears of disbelief, tears of pent up emotion that craved release!  I can't imagine what the other people, who beheld such an odd spectacle, were thinking at that moment.

My wife rushed off to call everyone and relate the good news.  I sat there in a daze, still trembling as emotion and adrenaline coursed through my body.  I realized at that moment that over the past seven years I had convinced myself that it would probably never happen, yet I was stubborn enough to keep trying in the face of the impossible.  Now I was confronted with reality, that it was possible, and the door to my dream had finally opened.

In retrospect, as I think about this now, I have never been so excited, happy, and relieved to have been given permission to start something.  Something that will take more effort, time, and dedication than anything I have ever tried in my life.  It is ironic, because many people would think it is over, but no...that was just the beginning, the first step on a road of training that will last at least 8 years.

This moment will forever be engraved in my mind.  I payed a high price to reach this starting point, but looking back on my credentials they are only average at best.  I can't help but believe that a miracle was enacted on my behalf.  I would love to take credit for this, but the truth is I must defer to the athlete who has just scored a touchdown and raises his hands to point heavenward.  I personally know several applicants with way better stats than me that were rejected.  Somehow God saw fit to turn the hearts of the Admissions Committee in my favor.  In turn I would also like to raise my hands heavenward and point to Him, because I can really see no reason why I am better than anyone else.

The blessing of God, have given me reason to be overjoyed and grateful at the same time.  At least once a day a surreal moment overwhelms me, sending me back to that email once again just to make sure;

On behalf of the Executive Dean, I am very pleased to offer you an acceptance...

Step by Step

All Rights to Mcraw-Hill and junk

The first two years of Medical School exist to prepare you for one seminal moment in your medical career.  That moment is when you take your first Board exam called "USMLE Step 1".  The last four years I have been so focused on sitting for the MCAT and getting into Medical School that nothing else has occupied my mind.  Although I have not been accepted into Medical School, I  recently started focusing on it and making plans for how I will approach it.

Although there may be some debate about this, I believe that the one key component which will allow you to apply to any residency unimpeded will be your Step 1 score.  I always thought that as long as you score a 99 on the Step 1 you could write your ticket, but this is not the whole story.  There are actually two scores and even if you are in the "99" range the second score can vary anywhere from 240-270+.  From my research I have been able to determine that scoring a 250 is very good, the top people are in the 260 range, and the godly freaks are in the 270 range.

Getting into Medical School will make me supremely happy, however that isn't my ultimate goal.  I will probably be accused of "gunnerism" for my approach to medical school, but I prefer to think that I am going into my future studies fully informed about the process.  As a non-traditional student, I am lucky to have already lived and done many of the things I wanted.  I have traveled the world extensively, lived abroad, married a wonderful woman, and enjoyed many reunions with friends.  As an undergrad I only wanted "to get my degree".

This time around, I want to see what I am really capable of, to fully embrace the process, and actually push myself to excel.  Most importantly, when it comes time to choose my residency I don't want my academic performance to have closed any doors.  I want the freedom to choose from any residency.  Even if I ultimately choose Family Medicine, which does not require a super high Step 1 score, I still want to have had the option to choose Neurosurgery or Dermatology.

Traditionally most Medical Students will use their 6 week break after the second year of Medical School to study for and take the Step 1 exam.  I plan on starting much much earlier.  From my first day I am going in with one thing in mind, to crush that test.  I will use every resource available to me to ensure that I am more than prepared on test day.

I have been formulating a plan to achieve just that, but it is still not complete.  What I have learned from the MCAT, is that I am not a super-freak that will be able to collate 2 years of study in just 6 weeks.  Taking the long term approach and making sure I continually maintain and refine my medical knowledge as I learn it, is really the only way I can expect to come out with a top score on that test.

Of course all this planning is still dependent on getting accepted into Medical School, so here is to hoping my interviews go well.

Being Successful

Sort of cliche, but sports are an appropriate metaphor for success

I often think about success, and say to myself "Wouldn't it be great?"  I don't think I have the traditional definition of success where the end result is tons of money, a hot car, trophy wife, and a white picket fence with a two story house.  No I am always impressed by true success.  Success that people reach where they look back after a long journey and say to themselves "I made it!"

One thing I have noticed about success is that I hear other people speak of those who have achieved it in hushed tones of envy.  "Oh if I was only as LUCKY as them."  or "I could never do that, he's a GENIUS." or "It's just not FAIR" or "I just don't have the TALENT they have".  These people always look at a fully realized successful person and assume that they have always been that way.  They totally ignore the journey  that person had to take in order to become successful.  They completely ignore the hard work, the agonizing moments, the long tear-filled nights, the times of self-doubt, the times when they believed they couldn't go on...yet they did.

I find my favorite success stories by reading through blogs.  I love reading about the journeys people take to become better athletes, to learn a new hobby, or to reclaim their lives from obesity.  Every day "average" people decide that they are going to do something great.  They are going to go from a sedentary life to running the Ironman in Hawaii.  Maybe it is someone who is going to get on a bike and ride from Alaska all the way down to the tip of Argentina.  How about a person who decides that their life has been ruined by complacency and that they are going to lose a tremendous amount of weight one day at a time?

For me, I always have to start at the first post when I read those blogs.  I want to know about the days when it was impossible.  I want to read about the times when they felt weak, unable, and inadequate.  It is because I feel like this all too often, and I hope that one day someone is going to read my blog and realize that they can do it too.  I want to say now, that I FEEL like I will never become a doctor.  The cards are stacked against me.  I have an average MCAT, and substandard GPA, and I have been out of college for more than 8 years.

It is impossible for me, but I have something that all the lazy apathetic people don't have.  I just can't find it within myself to give up.  For some reason, after I was laid out flat by rejection after five years of preparation I got back up and said, "Lets try again."  Even after everyone online said, "No, it is impossible for you, you just don't have the right stats."  I closed my ears and decided to keep going.

When I start my residency, I want to look back at this post and remember what it was like when it was impossible.  Because I know what will happen when I get into medical school.  People will start saying those things about me.  "Oh it is because he is so SMART." or "I wish I was as LUCKY as him."  But it isn't true.

None of them who say that noticed the tears streaming down my face.  None of them were with me when I was defeated.  None of them sat with me during the long study sessions I had to do AFTER I had already worked a full day at the office.  None of them were there when I had to turn my wife down for date night so that I could do well on a test.  None of them used their vacation time to study those final two weeks for the MCAT instead of going to Peru for some fun.  The only thing they see is the end result, the fruits of my labor, what happens AFTER all the sacrifices.  So they simply dismiss it with a casual statement, because it makes them feel better for giving up on their own dreams.  That is the real truth, and that is why when I am successful I want to look back and remember how high the price was.

I also hope I can inspire someone, somehow.  I want them to read about my journey and realize that Doctors, Lawyers, Engineers, Businessmen, or whatever you choose to be has no bearing on your intellect.  It has to do with how much time you spend practicing, improving, sacrificing and moving towards your goal.  An elite athlete practices for years so that one day he can stand on the big stage and compete in front of thousands.  It is no different for the highest levels of success in any arena.

I did not improve on my MCAT score this year.  Conventional wisdom says, that after 2 tries you should quit.  That a 29 is "good enough".  You know what?  It isn't good enough for me.  After three tries, guess what?  I am going to start studying again.  Because it is all stuff I NEED to know.  Because I know I can do better, and because I want to do better....for me.

I think that the key component to success is the ability to maintain discipline.  By managing to put for a solid effort every single day over a long period of time someone inches ever closer to the success that they have in mind.  Writing a novel does not happen in a one week flurry if intense activity.  It consists of research, writing, revising, and often times throwing away large portions of script that have to be redone.  Losing weight does not happen in a week, even if commercials tell you it does.  It happens over a long period of time after someone has changed their lifestyle and committed themselves to a new discipline of diet and exercise.  My own success, hinges on daily efforts of reviewing material I have learned in the past, keeping up with current advances in medicine, and constantly striving to involve myself in the opportunities that exist to participate in volunteering or research.

Today my goals seem impossible, but I can see that every day I am inching ever closer to what I truly want.  Once I reach the starting line of Medical School I am looking forward to raising the bar even higher and making a new set of goals that will further define my new success story.

The Difference Between a Dream and a Fantasy

Is This a Dream or Fantasy? Image by Karezoid Michal Karcz

 As I was speaking to my wife yesterday something very profound flew out of my mouth.  At the time I did not give it much thought, but as I mulled it over later I grew to appreciate how significant it was.  I think my subconscious was using my effort to comfort my wife to teach me something instead.

"The difference between a dream and a fantasy is that a dream is realizable."

The reason that statement is so profound to me, is that before I vocalized it, I had never made a distinction between dreams and fantasies.  I have a very active imagination and one of my favorite activities is to give it free reign to express itself.  I end up thinking along many different paths, oftentimes fanciful and impractical.  I suspect that allowing this type of thought is the root of creativity, so I have never wanted to inhibit this tendency.  This means that I have always been a "dreamer".

"Dreamers" get a bad rap sometimes.  They are often accused of chasing after something impossible to achieve, something impractical, or "silly".  I think that there is a certain level of hypocrisy injected into judgements like this, because children in the USA are often told,

"When you grow up you can be ANYTHING you want."

When the child reaches a certain age, and starts to manifest their interest in certain areas the litany changes.  Soon they are told they should go to college and study something "practical", or they are told that their chances of success in a certain field are too small because of the high amount of competition.  I think that such a drastic change in message has a crippling effect on someone who dreams.  Forced to settle for something less than their dream, they begin to fantasize.

I bought into those lies when I began my undergraduate studies.  I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, and worse I had no idea what I was interested in studying so I took the practical approach.  I thought about the professions that payed well and were in high demand and decided on Computer Science.  That is a pretty safe call, right?

Fast forward to two years after I graduated and I was absolutely miserable.  The realization that a CS degree was essentially meaningless in my chosen profession was a huge blow to me.  Technology firms stand by the litany of "Experience over all", meaning if you have enough "experience" on your resume then you must be qualified.  I have noticed that this is extremely misleading, because many people have a tendency to lie on their resume.  I cannot count the number of "hotshot" resumes I have read, only to be met with incompetence when I performed the interview, or worse yet when I was overruled and was forced to work along someone who is merely an amateur at best.  I could never understand why there is such a professional disconnect in the IT industry.  Unqualified lawyers are not allowed to practice law, nor are unqualified physicians allowed to practice medicine, yet in IT as long as you put down you have "experience" you are good to go.

My discontent with my chosen field led me to fantasize.  I wanted to hop on a bike and ride across the United States, vicariously living from day to day (Crazy Guy on a Bike).  I wanted to buy some land and go live off grid, experiencing the freedom that only nature can give you (Wilderness Survival).  I began finding solace in long training runs, with the idea of possibly running a marathon (Daily Mile).  Inevitably the theme was always the same.  I wanted to escape, and I was seeking a way out through ethereal unrealizable fantasies.  The fact that they were unreachable only intensified my discontent, and I am pretty sure it ended up drastically affecting my attitude and performance at work.

I don't know if I can put my finger on it exactly, but a combination of things worked together to galvanize me into finally pursuing a dream.  My wife and her father are physicians so I had been learning more and more about the profession through my interactions with them.  I soon realized that working as a physician would give my life the purposeful meaning that it was missing, the professionally competent peers I was seeking, and an outlet for my fantasizing mind.  On that day, and I do remember the exact day, in 2007 a dream was born.

I knew that it would take work, persistence, and time, however, I also knew that it was something I could reach if I were willing to work hard enough, and long enough.  From 2007 - 2013, I have slowly chipped away at the pre-requisites I needed one night course at a time.  Now I sit here, nearly at the end of the road and look back at what I have done in disbelief.  I could have never come so far with a fantasy, but a dream...well that is something worth living for.