Why Can't I Get Off the Couch?

I always wondered why, when I wanted to get something done, I couldn't find the strength to get off the couch to do it.  Today I discovered the culprit and you will be surprised as to who is responsible.  The answer is gravity my friends.  The equation for gravity is as follows

It is important to understand that gravity can be exerted between any two objects, and using that equation we can find what the force is between two distinct object.  So bear with me as I quickly describe what each variable stands for, so that we will all be on the same page. 

F is the total Force of Gravity, m1 is the mass of one object, and m2 is the mass of a second object.  For our discussion I am m1, and the couch is m2;  r corresponds to the radius between both objects, which we can basically say that it is the distance they are away from each other.  Finally G is the universal constant of Gravity.

What I want you to pay attention to are two things.  First the radius variable.  As the radius decreases the Force of gravity becomes much greater.  As radius approaches zero the Force approaches a value close to infinity which means, my ass is going to be glued to that couch and there is nothing I can do to escape.  It is just too strong!  

Oh, but gravity hasn't finished with me yet, because that brings me to our second observation.  Pay attention to the m1 and m2 variables.  Well, if I increase the mass of one or both of the objects in this system, yes you guessed it, the Force of gravity once again INCREASES!  This is where I really have a problem with gravity because the amount by which my own mass increases is directly proportional to the amount of time my ass is glued to the couch, which by now we have determined to be nearly all the time since the radius is close to zero and the Force is near infinity.

It is a vicious cycle my friends, and Gravity has me in her cold hard grip.  She is a fickle lover, jealous of all distractions.  Will I escape?  My mathematical calculations lead me to believe that there may be little hope, but that is not why I am writing this.  I want this message to reach you, dear reader, so that when you see a couch you will know that you should run and run far.  Save yourself, it is already too late for me!