I have been avoiding this post for some time, because I honestly just didn't want to come clean. I didn't want to own up to the disappointing results of my MCAT. I studied hard for that test, like I have never studied before in my life (and if you are familiar with this blog, this is now the third time I have taken the MCAT.)
So how did I do? Exactly the same. Yes, that is correct, I got the same exact score as last year. To me it was a disaster, because the whole point was to improve, not to stay static. The numbers tell me I haven't learned a thing, and yet I am positive I know VOLUMES more than I ever did last year. Last year after the test I felt horrible, I was in a fog, I couldn't even remember the content of the test. This year was different. I remembered almost every single aspect of the test, I spent weeks beating myself up over the questions I missed, constantly going over things I was unsure of in my mind. It was significantly more traumatizing this time around, all because I knew what I did and didn't miss.
Upon receiving my score, the feeling was horrible. It was almost as bad as realizing I wasn't going to be able to start Medical School this year. That every single school I had applied to did not find me worthy. That somehow intellectually I do not measure up to anybodies standards. I just turned 34 this year, and the thought of spending another year in exile from the path that I am convinced I should be walking, sounds like a death sentence. I am reminded of Moses and the nation of Israel who wandered in the wilderness for 40 years How many years will I wander before I reach my promised land? I have already wandered these last 5 years gathering pre-requisites one class at a time. One of those years of exile was a year of rejection.
So now we come upon this year, and a new application cycle. I decided to apply early decision this year. It represents a huge risk to me, because early decision means I am selecting only one University and declaring my intention to them to ONLY go to their school. I cannot send applications to any other school until I receive a rejection letter from my early decision application. This would happen by October 1, which means my applications would be going out late, putting me behind the curve for the rest of those schools.
Why did I take such a risk? I did the math. For some reason it comforts me. There are some aspects of my life in Engineering that I will never get away from. I only received an interview invite from one University last year, so that is the one I chose to investigate. I discovered that if I apply early decision I have a 37% chance of getting accepted versus only a 4% chance of doing a regular application. If I get an interview invitation my chances of getting accepted suddenly jump to 60% in early decision, versus 37% for a regular application.
So come August I will find out if I will have an interview or not. Until then I continue to second guess myself. Why did I work fulltime during my undergrad? I could have had a better GPA if I didn't. Why did I major in Engineering, instead of Theater? I could have had a better GPA if I did. Why didn't I sign up for a Master's program as a contingency plan? If I get rejected, yet again, it will be another wasted year. I find that I learn all too many things in retrospect, after it is too late. I wish I wasn't like this.
In other news I will be uprooting my entire life to move halfway across the country. My wife has been accepted to a Master's program for Clinical Research, and I decided it would be better to give up my career to keep our family unified than try to maintain a "long distance" marriage. Some of this hasn't been easy, but the process of relocating, of having to solve a myriad of life problems on a tight deadline has drawn my wife and I closer together than before. Sometimes I feel like things need to be shook up, that we need to be broken out of our routine so that we have an opportunity to rely on each other more, and build our trust in each other even more.
Some days I find it exhausting to be the one who has to carry the load, both financially and emotionally. Often I want to quit and say I have had enough, but how can I when this empty gnawing feeling of unfulfillment will just remain and grow even greater? I cannot allow my current misery spill over and ruin the hope I have for the future, for that is really the only thing that pushes me to move forward. Then there are the expectations of my family. How could I fail them, when I have already put forth so much effort? I don't think I could bear to look my wife in the face, to see the pain in her eyes.
I am very grateful for my wife, I don't deserve her. Even though from the outside it looks like I am the one "bringing home the bacon", the great Software Engineer making big money, while she merely studies; the truth is I see the effort she puts forth, I see the tears of frustration she cries, the resolve she has, the passion she fights with, the organizational skills she possesses, the brilliant mind she puts to use, her patience to see things through, the strong character that allows her to stand up after several crushing defeats, and secretly think to myself that I am way out of my league. Nobody is as lucky as I am.
I feel like we have been successful because she puts forth effort every day so she can please me, and I get stuck every day doing my best to please her. I think that as long as we both keep putting each other ahead of our own personal desires we are always going to have a wonderful marriage. The worst times I can remember have been when I got stuck on myself, instead of following that intrinsic Universal paradigm, that law of nature more reliable than Gravity, where I should love others more than my self. How much moreso should I love my wife then?
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